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JOKE OF THE DAY
02-18-2014, 08:25 PM
Post: #1
JOKE OF THE DAY
HI Guys, Can i post this here? (sorry am still learning the ropes) Tongue

BRILLIANT!

This says it all!
Mathematics: This comes from 2 math teachers with
a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they
are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you

to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it’s the bullpoop and
Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Don't steal. The government hates competition
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02-19-2014, 08:51 AM
Post: #2
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
Thanks Hog, I enjoyed that one, very cool. I think we should post a joke a day here, have a good laugh. So here goes. A really drunk guy comes stumbling out of the pub and bumps into a nun walking by. He then proceeds to beat the living daylights out of her. He eventually stumbles away and mumbles.........better luck next time Batman.
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02-19-2014, 11:30 AM
Post: #3
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss
Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing
to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter!"

The pastor fainted.
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02-20-2014, 04:26 PM
Post: #4
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Don't steal. The government hates competition
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02-21-2014, 08:43 PM
Post: #5
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
A girl falls in love with her new dentist and they start an affair in his consulting rooms.
After about 6 month he says to her "darling we are going to have to stop this affair because your husband is going to find out"
She then answers " we have been doing this once a week for 6 month and he hasn't found out yet"
He say yes but you have only got one tooth left!!!

Life's a journey, enjoy the ride.......in comfort in a syncro!!!
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02-26-2014, 09:20 AM
Post: #6
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

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03-12-2014, 08:23 AM
Post: #7
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
This is so true


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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

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04-23-2014, 08:00 AM
Post: #8
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
You think English is easy? Tongue

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the objected object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of test subjects.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

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05-18-2014, 07:23 AM
Post: #9
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said:

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
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09-28-2014, 07:17 AM
Post: #10
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid...
He says he can stop anytime!

You have the Bus, use it, enjoy nature!
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